HEART STUTTER – EPISODE 1
Do you know that feeling? When your fragile heart suddenly misses a beat and your breathing stutters, your hand flies to your chest with an urgency to make sense of what just happened or check if your heart is still intact within and to figure out why exactly your heart skipped a thousand tiny beats within that millisecond?
Well, at some point in our lives, we all get to experience this “heart-staggering” feeling that stems mostly as a result of different actions we never expected or thought of.
As for me, It wasn’t when I held my baby brother for the first time neither was it when I got into the University of my choice… more of like my dad’s choice, but it doesn’t really matter to me. As long as I can do what I want and be happy, we are cool. But this story isn’t about my dad or about my baby brother. I wouldn’t call it a love story either, because, for some reason you will find out about it later, it wasn’t what I wanted it to be or what I wished it was. It was just a crush story. MY crush story.
The one “heart stuttering” moment that truly matters to me happened when Gabe winked at me. I know right?!!
The Gabe Rotimi of my department happened to be one of the few “hot and handsome-chocolate-melanin-popping-sexy-muscle-dripping” popular guys you could ever come across in my department. Actually, to be more precise, I think there are just about four other guys that can be placed in the same category as Gabe. The guys were friends with him and the girls liked him, including me. Yeah; short and brown-skinned, black-haired scrawny me. Oh, and did I mention that I was practically invisible?
Well, I was, and I still am. No one looked my way(at least that was what I thought) and even though it bothered me most times, I found myself liking the lifestyle of observing but not being observed, seen, or heard. It was nice; not being in the spotlight of fucking college gossips for a change.
So, imagine my surprise when I, BamBam, got winked at by none other than the guy who’s had my friggin’ heart in the palm of his hands for months now! Well, to say I had a mini heart failure right where I stood is a huge understatement.
READ MORE: LIVELY MEDIA
This is all so cliché and trusts me, I HATE stories like that, but we aren’t always in control of what happens in our lives and mine is a testament to that bitter truth. I am going to blame my heart and confess that I never foresaw this situation in all of my 18 years on Earth. For someone like me who falls too quickly, I’ve had my fair share of one-sided crush stories and heartbreaks to learn this invaluable lesson:
move on from your crush after 3 months if there’s no response from the other party!
So, essentially, as the rule marker, it was only fair that I will be the rule breaker too. I never know when to stop “feeling” for the lucky guy who’s got my attention at the time, I end up breaking my own “non-relationship” rule over and over while also managing to NOT tell myself to wake the fuck up and face my reality head-on… that heartbreak is a part of my life and I can’t possibly ever be free from it.
I lie to myself and avoid accepting the fact; that I am a ghost that doesn’t exist to everyone and expecting to be loved in return was just a wish that could never come true, even if wishes were horses, because, newsflash? I don’t even know how to ride a fucking horse!
My rule is fucked up. I mean, who even notices someone like me that wants to hide in the shadows forever? If you can’t be seen or heard, then how can they like you? I should be happy that I can love someone right? Even if it is all by myself, I think being in love is one of the most amazing things that could happen to humans.
Love is just so wonderful. And being able to wield such power within me makes me feel better about myself. That way, I can prove I am just as human as everyone else right? If I can love, then I can be loved. I keep holding on to that hope that someday, someone somewhere will finally see me and love me, possibly. I guess that day was here, and that was why Gabe winked.
He saw me. Would he love me?
ALSO READ: HEART STUTTER – Episode 2